Empathy: Why is it important for leaders?

One of the most important skills we have as a leader. It is teachable to children, but as adults it’s almost impossible to learn. Empathy is the ability to see and value what another person is feeling or experiencing. When we see someone in pain and feel that response in our own gut, that’s empathy. When we see someone crying tears of joy at an important reunion and notice ourselves choking up, that’s empathy. When we see someone struggling with a problem and feel an emotional pull to help, that’s empathy. It’s a core skill for what psychologists call “pro-social” behavior – the actions that are involved in building close relationships, maintaining friendships, and developing strong communities. It appears to be the central reality necessary for developing a conscience, as well. As leaders this allows us to see build our relationship with our team, family, and friends. It shows that we have their best interests at heart when we make decisions.
One thing I always find myself saying to my daughter is, “think about how what you did made your sister feel,” we are training our kids in empathy and inviting them to recognize the importance of taking others’ feelings into account. Why is this important? How we treat others depicts how we will be treated. As leaders we need to feel for our co-workers and what’s going on with their life, so they will do the best they can to work harder and more efficiently.How can we show Empathy?
•Put words to the emotions. Feelings are complex bio-chemical realities that take place in our whole bodies, but not necessarily involving our logical brain! Naming them can be trickier than we sometimes realize. We have a great many words in our language to try to express the various shadings of sadness, anger or fear.
•Feel out loud. Modeling the behavior you want your team to emulate is one of the best Leadership strategies around. Employees are watching us all the time and what we do influences them as much or more than what we say. Share your thoughts and feelings about situations in the family, what friends are going through, what that kid at school your son is complaining about might be feeling, what you see on TV. No need to be heavy-handed or lecture about it. Simply share what the other person may be feeling or going through and how that affects you, makes you consider how to help.
•Include empathy as part of discipline. Make sure you include conversation about how people are affected by a problem in the creation of the solution. Get your team members to consider how their aggrieved co-worker might have felt when they got hurt or when someone took something without asking. Show empathy to the perpetrator, too, so they see how this empathy can guide consequences, as well.
•Reward empathy. When we notice your employees doing the right thing, a reward “out of the blue” can be a powerful way to influence their behavior in the future. Pay attention to when your teams are responding out of empathy, reaching out to help, changing their behavior out of concern for another, and let them know you value and support what they’re doing. Recognition and affirmation are often reward enough.
•Be patient. None of us is perfectly empathetic all the time, even as adults. To ask your team to put others first or even to be able to have the emotional energy to notice what someone else is feeling when they are upset is asking a lot. As with all things human, progress is slow and accumulates over time as skills (and brains!) develop. Just keep pointing these moments out and modeling the skills the best you can.

 

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Invite People to be Confronted

How to invite others to be confronted

Why Do We Need Confrontation?Listening and understanding is not enough, you need action skills to move the conversation forward. Action skills move the interviewer toward control, direction, and initiative in the conversation. Before we get to the action phase, you need to remember the flow of the conversation goes in this pattern.
1)UNDERSTANDING
2)PREDICTION
3)ACTION
Discrepancies arise that cloud the air of the conversation. At times the interviewer needs to bring them up in order to reduce or eliminate distortion and confusion.

Possibilities that can necessitate the use of confrontation.
•Denial
–The person may deny that an incongruity exists, such as denial of reality, consequences, or responsibility.
•Distortions
–The person may be consciously or unconsciously distorting information
•Lying
–The person may be consciously fabricating a story with the hope that the interviewer will not suspect lying
•Low Awareness
–The person may not be aware of inconsistencies in their thoughts, feelings, or behavior
•Baiting
–The person may be deliberately inconsistent to bait the interviewer into taking a parent role in the interview, which is a comfortable conflict position for the person.
•Games, Tricks, and Smoke Screens
–The person may be somewhat of a con artist who enjoys manipulating, seducing or tricking others into interpersonal relations,
•Evasions
–Many offenders typically blame others for everything that has gone wrong in their life. By doing this, they evade introspection, which is painful.

Invitation
•Discrepancies
Several discrepancies can arise in a conversation that may lead the interviewer to make the decision to confront the person.
Areas of discrepancies?
•What a person says and his or her behavior. The person may says they are fine, but the appear nervous or sad.
•What a person says and his or her past behavior. The person says the he or she is not a criminal, but has convictions on their record.
•What a person says and his or her acceptance of personal responsibility for their behavior. The person maintains that his or her drug use is acceptable because everyone else uses drugs.
•What a person says and his or her unrealistic goals. The person states that they want to be a lawyer but has a criminal record and a 8th grade education
•What a person says and information received prior the conversation. The person says they were home asleep last night, but a social media site had them out all night
•Acceptance
If the confrontation is accepted, the interviewer should encourage the person’s consideration by positively reinforcing the person.
Example:
The interviewer might say, “It’s good that you can work on this issue” or “It takes a lot of courage to face this and you’ve done very well.”
•Rejection
When an invitation is made, it is not customary to keep sending invitations or badgering the party to accept the invitation. If the invitation is rejected, the interviewer should return to empathy.
Example:
The interviewer might say, “My even suggesting that irritates you” or “Thinking that you may be doing something like that threatens you.” DO NOT persist in the confrontation
•Confusion
If the expression or response of the interviewee indicates confusion or ambivalence, you need to try one of the following sayings
“You feel confused by this”
Or
“ You’re just not sure you can buy that. It may be true, and then again it may not be.”

Guidelines to Confrontation
Confrontation is a much-abused type of interaction and is aggressive and often destructive if used inappropriately. So the need to follow these guidelines is very important
•Necessary or Sufficient
–Confrontation is Never necessary to effectively converse with a person. In order to make it more successful, empathy needs to be shown.
–Confrontation must be preceded and followed by empathy
–You need to have a good rapport with the person
–Confrontation is never used as an isolated skill, but must be employed within the entire conversation framework in order to be effective
•Purpose
–The purpose of confrontation is to clarify communication and increase the amount of accurate information.
–Many people consider confrontation the following styles, but they are NOT confrontation
•Arguing
•Preaching
•Threatening
•Judging
•Interrogating
•Blaming
•Advising
•Lecturing
•Guilt tripping
•Moralizing
•Badgering
•Patronizing
–These are self-serving misuses of confrontation that lead to decreased communication and information.
•Misusers
–People who specialize in, focus on, or misuse confrontation have been considered
•Stupid- He is committed to living without learning anything more than he already knows.
•Incompetent- He is attempting to prove that he can get along without substantive specialty skills.
•Psychopathic- He assumes life is a game and the winner is the person who has learned the most gimmicks.
–This is where the misuse may need the confrontersto be confronted.

Techniques
Now that we have noted the cautions to observe in the use of confrontation, we need to look at several techniques for employing proper confrontation. These are some do’s and don’ts of confrontation.
•Precede and follow the confrontation with empathy
Interviewee: Hey! I’m doing great. Been going to work and staying out of trouble. Like I told you before, everything’s cool. Why, my old lady isn’t even getting on my back about drinking anymore.
Interviewer: You feel really confident and relieved that your life is on a positive course now. (first empathy)
Interviewee: Yeah. That’s right. That other stuff is in the past.
Interviewer: (pause) I guess I’m kind of confused about what you are saying. (tentative) On one hand, you say you are doing well and staying out of trouble, and, on the other hand, I received a report from your supervisor that you have missed several days at work and were reprimanded two days ago for having alcohol on your breath at work. Could you clear this up for me? (confrontation)
Interviewee: I miss on lousy day of work and you want to give me a hard time. You’re always snooping around so you can cause me trouble. Besides, that old joke that calls himself my boss sleeps on the job half the time and doesn’t know what the hell is going on.
Interviewer: It makes you angry and disgusted that I brought this up. Maybe even a little defeated. (second empathy)
We see the interviewer responded with empathy before the confrontation and after the confrontation. Even though the invitation was rejected, the interviewer did not dwell on or badger the interviewee.
•Never make two consecutive confrontations
–Repeated confrontations typically lead to arguments, a defense of the source of the confrontation, and a cycle of deterioration in the communication
Interviewee: Your sources are crazy.
Interviewer: Well, I talked to them and thy said it was true.
Interviewee: Well, I’m here to tell you it isn’t.
Interviewer: Yes it is.
Interviewee: No it isn’t.
It becomes an argument at this point. If the interviewer confronts once and moves to empathy, this disaster can usually be avoided.
•Be Tentative
–Speculate on what the discrepancy might or could be.
–Leave the possibility of an alternative explanation
–Perceptions of the discrepancies may be different for the interviewer and the interviewee.
•What is realistic for one person may be unrealistic for another.
•What is rational or logical for one person may be irrational or illogical for another.
•What make sense for one person may not make sense for another
•What is common sense for one person may be idealistic or impractical for another.
•Confront inconsistencies
–Use the response, “On one hand you say… but on the other hand…” This Technique says you say you are fine but you look differently without sounding argumentative.
•Confront the distortions of reality
–A good technique for confronting distortions is, “You say… but what’s the evidence?” This response reflects the speakers internal viewpoint and then invites them to provide evidence to support their view
•Assume Nothing
–Distinguish between what a person says about what they do (what has happened) and what a person does ( what really happened). It does not mean you distrust the individual, but that you be aware that discrepancy may exist between perceptions of reality and reality itself. Make sure what they say matches their actions
•Avoid Reprisals
–The interviewer should not confront with outside information in situations where the interviewee can make reprisals against the outside source. This usually includes work and family situations.
•Can be a wife, girlfriend, son, daughter, boyfriend, coworker
–Confrontation in these situations is treacherous and likely to create more difficulties than previously existed.
–Try and use reports, official documents, records, and facts.

Effectiveness
Effective interviewers keep confrontation to a minimum, but when they do confront, the quality should be to the maximum. When carried out skillfully, it places many demands on the interviewer. The confrontation is not a single or separate technique, but part of a conversation. Unskilled interviewers persist on confrontation even when the confrontation is not going good. It is important when to confront and when not to confront.
•Reverse Confrontation
–The confronter must expect to be confronted
•Most people who are confronted try and confront back as a defense if done incorrectly.
•People who know about confrontation will know what you are doing and may counteract what you are trying to accomplish

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