One of the most important skills we have as a leader. It is teachable to children, but as adults it’s almost impossible to learn. Empathy is the ability to see and value what another person is feeling or experiencing. When we see someone in pain and feel that response in our own gut, that’s empathy. When we see someone crying tears of joy at an important reunion and notice ourselves choking up, that’s empathy. When we see someone struggling with a problem and feel an emotional pull to help, that’s empathy. It’s a core skill for what psychologists call “pro-social” behavior – the actions that are involved in building close relationships, maintaining friendships, and developing strong communities. It appears to be the central reality necessary for developing a conscience, as well. As leaders this allows us to see build our relationship with our team, family, and friends. It shows that we have their best interests at heart when we make decisions.
One thing I always find myself saying to my daughter is, “think about how what you did made your sister feel,” we are training our kids in empathy and inviting them to recognize the importance of taking others’ feelings into account. Why is this important? How we treat others depicts how we will be treated. As leaders we need to feel for our co-workers and what’s going on with their life, so they will do the best they can to work harder and more efficiently.How can we show Empathy?
•Put words to the emotions. Feelings are complex bio-chemical realities that take place in our whole bodies, but not necessarily involving our logical brain! Naming them can be trickier than we sometimes realize. We have a great many words in our language to try to express the various shadings of sadness, anger or fear.
•Feel out loud. Modeling the behavior you want your team to emulate is one of the best Leadership strategies around. Employees are watching us all the time and what we do influences them as much or more than what we say. Share your thoughts and feelings about situations in the family, what friends are going through, what that kid at school your son is complaining about might be feeling, what you see on TV. No need to be heavy-handed or lecture about it. Simply share what the other person may be feeling or going through and how that affects you, makes you consider how to help.
•Include empathy as part of discipline. Make sure you include conversation about how people are affected by a problem in the creation of the solution. Get your team members to consider how their aggrieved co-worker might have felt when they got hurt or when someone took something without asking. Show empathy to the perpetrator, too, so they see how this empathy can guide consequences, as well.
•Reward empathy. When we notice your employees doing the right thing, a reward “out of the blue” can be a powerful way to influence their behavior in the future. Pay attention to when your teams are responding out of empathy, reaching out to help, changing their behavior out of concern for another, and let them know you value and support what they’re doing. Recognition and affirmation are often reward enough.
•Be patient. None of us is perfectly empathetic all the time, even as adults. To ask your team to put others first or even to be able to have the emotional energy to notice what someone else is feeling when they are upset is asking a lot. As with all things human, progress is slow and accumulates over time as skills (and brains!) develop. Just keep pointing these moments out and modeling the skills the best you can.
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